How to Win an Argument Without Anger
In a culture where revenge and retaliation are highly valued (Kill Bill, anyone?), it isn’t popular to promote kindness and patience towards those who are angry with us, especially when we are truly being wronged. But ironically this is exactly what Solomon learned in his wisdom.
Why is this so? Because at the core, anger is a very strong emotion that influences our ability to think rationally and lovingly. If uncontrolled, anger causes us to act and speak impulsively, and often we damage ourselves and others in the process. Proverbs 14:29 says, “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” Solomon knew well that uncontrolled anger results in foolish behavior. The more we allow our anger to consume us, the ways in which we act irrationally become more and more severe. In our anger we often say hurtful, stupid things. Some commit physical violence in their anger, and some, when driven to great depths of rage, commit murder.
Anger leads a man into tunnel vision. He can become so narrowly focused on the object of his anger that he is unable to even begin thinking about solutions toward peace. This is because anger erodes our ability to think clearly, and it is why Solomon contrasts anger with understanding — because uncontrolled anger destroys understanding, which inhibits us from hurtful actions.
Did you know that even the world of science understands this to be true? From a physiological standpoint, a Harvard study in 2006 found that,
A look into the brains of normal subjects revealed that anger increases blood flow to a reasoning part of their brains, an area over the left eye just behind the forehead, technically called the orbitofrontal cortex. This flow inhibits thoughts of rage. At the same time, blood flow increased activity in the amygdala, an almond-shaped knot of tissue deep in the brain that deals with emotion and vigilance.
Angry feelings arising in the amygdala are normally cooled by activity in the frontal cortex, part of the thinking region of the brain. However, in some severely depressed people a lack of both recognition and control of anger, can lead to violent rage. Source
The study confirms that when feelings of anger are present, another part of our brain is attempting to protect us from acts of rage to “cool our jets,” so to speak. In a real physical sense, anger and understanding are battling one another in our minds. If we allow the anger side of the battle to win, we may say things and act in a way we never thought were possible.
So what does this all have to do with winning an argument? Well many, if not most arguments are sparked by a response of anger by at least one party. Our natural reaction to this is often to fight anger with anger. So then both parties enter into the “discussion” being angry, and when both parties allow that anger to escalate, the argument usually results in the absence of understanding, many hurtful things are said and done, and very little if any progress is made toward resolution.
However, when one party stays calm and speaks sincerely*, the result can often be agreement and peace between both sides. This is because the calm party can often soothe the angry party back into a state of understanding. Consider the wise words of Solomon,
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A king’s wrath is a messenger of death, and a wise man will appease it. Proverbs 16:14
With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone. Proverbs 16:14
If the anger of the ruler rises against you, do not leave your place, for calmness will lay great offenses to rest. Ecclesiastes 10:4
So the next time you are in an argument where you and the other party are angry, remember and fight to stay calm, be kind and sincere, and patiently wait the passing of your anger. Doing so brings great reward and it honors God. Remember the words of Solomon who said, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”
*I say “sincerely” because some like myself, are often able to stay calm but speak hurtful words with a smug or sarcastic attitude, and this is wrong!
